


The (Un)Necessity of Family

by Ionaonie



Series: The Bond Files [4]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Bond is a menace, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 00:44:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ionaonie/pseuds/Ionaonie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bond pushed open the door and grinned at him. His shoulders seemed to fill the entire door frame. ‘Ah, you are here. I thought so. Why all the secrecy?’</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (Un)Necessity of Family

**Author's Note:**

> Not betaed. All mistakes are mine and if you see anything glaringly obvious, let me know.

Waiting for his call to be put through, Q idly tapped his fingers against his desk. As the clock on his desk ticked over from minute two to minute three he realised he was tapping out the theme to _Mission Impossible_. He promptly trapped his hand under his elbow to make it cease. 

He jumped slightly as a voice appeared in his ear. He hadn’t registered the call being picked up. 

‘Sorry, about that. The ambassador’s aide is a nervous sort and the appearance of 005 - even if he doesn’t know exactly who 005 is - is making him overly nervous.’ 

Q shrugged, even though it couldn’t be seen. ‘It’s fine. Things are, for the most part quiet around here. Although, with the rumblings down under, I suspect that’s not going to be true for long.’

‘So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?’ 

Taking a deep breath, Q fortified himself for what would come next. He’d been putting off making this call for over a month. ‘Do you remember when I was appointed head of the Q Branch and you said I’d eventually be calling you to ask about a certain agent?’

‘I do.’ Even over the phone, and with so few words spoken, Q could hear the amusement in his cousin’s voice. 

He ignored it. ‘It wasn’t 007 by any chance, was it?’ The laughter that came over the line made Q scowl. ‘Shut up.’ 

‘Oh no, I’ve been waiting ages for this call. I’m going to enjoy it.’ 

‘Tosser.’ 

‘Now, now. Language. What would our mother’s say?’ 

‘Wanker.’ 

‘Probably not that either.’ 

Q glared at the whiteboard on the wall opposite him, trying to remember why he’d thought phoning his cousin would be such a great idea. 

‘What do you want to know about 007?’ Over the line, he could hear the creak of a chair, probably as John relaxed. 

‘Why did you think I’d be asking you about him?’ It was a question that had been rolling about in his head for sometime now.

‘Really? You want me to spell it out for you?’ 

‘I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,’ he muttered darkly. 

‘Naturally. I mean, it’s not like he’s your type or anything.’

‘I don’t have a type.’

‘Intelligent, witty and muscular, but through hard work and not spending hours in a gym.' Q had always known he'd end up regretting that game of truth and dare with John and some of their other cousins. 'I’d say he’s exactly you type.’

And none of that was Q’s fault. Bond shouldn’t a) have shoulders like that b) be able to wear a suit that well or c) be so damn complex. And, if a d) was needed, then he shouldn’t have such a dry sense of humour. Q was a sucker for sarcasm. And shoulders.

‘How’s Maria?’ 

‘Really? That’s how you’re going to try and change the subject?’ 

‘Are you really going to pass up an opportunity to tell me all about your wonderful girlfriend and how you can’t believe you got this lucky and how impending fatherhood is scaring the crap out of you?’ 

‘Well, I would, but I think you’ve just done it all for me.’ 

‘I didn’t mention the gorgeous weather in San Diego.’ 

‘That’s only because you’re sore that you had to cancel your holiday here and you’re missing your geek-fest.’ 

‘I hate you.’

‘Maybe next year Bond will take you.’

‘Really, _really_ hate you. I can’t emphasis just how much hate I have for you right now.’ There was a moments quiet but then Q heard suspicious snuffling sounds. ‘Are, are you laughing at me?’ 

‘No. Well, yes. But more specifically I’m imagining Bond surrounded by Stormtroopers and starship captains. That could be the one place on earth that could make Bond feel out of place.’ 

Despite himself, laughter bubbled out of his mouth, because, yeah. Bond and sci-fi conventions just didn’t mix. Q couldn’t even begin to imagine Bond at such a place. ‘That could only ever end badly.’ 

‘It would almost be worth it to see the look on his face, though. Uh, none of this is being recorded, is it?’ 

‘Why? Scared Bond will hear you mocking him?’ 

‘Honestly? Yes. A little.’ 

‘Well, you can sleep easy. What’s the point of being head of Q Branch if you can’t scrub the contents of the odd phone call?’ Not that he actually did. He just moved the contents onto his own private system and really, if anyone other than him could access it, then he deserved everything he got. 

‘Okay. That’s…that’s a relief. But, in all seriousness, what are you going to do about the whole thing?’ 

‘Wait for it to blow over, probably. I think that’s safer for all. But especially me.’ 

‘You aren’t going to see if -’

‘You’ve seen his file. You were there for most of it. What do you think?’ 

John was quiet for a moment. ‘I think,’ he said slowly, ‘I think that’s probably for the best.’

Q nodded once to himself. ‘Exactly.’ Falling for a 00 was the height of carelessness and he was trying frightfully hard not to. Q really didn’t need his heart broken. ‘Crushes blow over, given enough time.’ 

‘He isn’t there, is he? In London, or worse, the office?’ 

Q felt vaguely insulted that John would think that he’d be talking about Bond quite as freely if there was a possibility of him walking in the room. ‘He got a bit bashed up on the last mission. M told him to stand down for the next few days. He shouldn’t be back in the office for another 56 hours.’ 

‘You’ll be lucky if he makes it another 36.’ 

‘I know. I think the interns have a pool going to see how long he lasts,’ Q mused. 

‘Never bet against the interns.’ Which, really, should be the MI6 moto. 

‘Don’t I know it.’

‘I once lost £300 to an intern.’

‘I’m sorry, you bet how much?’ 

‘I was new.’ 

‘With our family that’s hardly an excuse,’ Q pointed out. ‘In fact, I think Uncle Miles will be particularly disappointed in you.’ 

‘Don’t you dare tell him, you hear.’ 

Q laughed. ‘Why would I do that?’

‘He’ll make my life a living hell, you know that.’

‘Not a _living_ hell, surely,’ he teased. ‘Just, you know, hell.’

‘You’re not funny.’ 

Before he could say anything, he heard the door to the lab open and someone walk in, footsteps loud in the empty lab. 

‘Q, are you in here?’

His eyes darted to the door as his jaw went slack and he nearly dropped the phone.

‘Oh, dear God. Is that him?’

‘Come on, Q. I know you’re here. The security logs say you haven’t left yet.’

‘Oh shit, it’s really him. There’s no way he’s going to leave. How is this my life?’ 

‘I don’t know. But get your game face on if you don’t want Bond to see everything we’ve just been talking about written all over your face.’

‘Yes, thank you for that insightful advice, John.’

‘My pleasure.’

‘Now shut up the hell up,’ he muttered as the footsteps came closer. 

‘Why is he looking for you, anyway?’ 

‘I really have no idea,’ he murmured down the phone, hoping he was speaking loud enough for John to hear him but not Bond. 

Bond pushed open the door and grinned at him. His shoulders seemed to fill the entire door frame. ‘Ah, you are here. I thought so. Why all the secrecy?’

‘Secrecy?’ 

‘Hiding back here in your office.’

‘My light is on,’ Q pointed out. ‘I’m hardly hiding. And if could you give me a second, Bond. As you can see, I’m on the phone.’ 

‘I must admit, I would have thought the telephone too antiquated for you.’

‘I have nothing against antiques, Bond,’ he replied, doing his best to ignore the snigger's coming down the phone. Possibly sending that email to John where he’d described his first meeting with Bond had been a mistake. ‘Sometimes I find them quite useful.’

‘Is that so?’ 

Q rolled his eyes. ‘That moment if you would, Bond.’ 

Bond frowned, as though confused. 

‘Let me finish my call.’ 

‘Anyone important?’ 

‘Just my cousin.’ 

Bond’s face brightened and Q had a mere moment for the trepidation to flood his system before Bond closed the door behind himself. 

‘Ah, excellent. Send my regard to Villiers, will you? The bi-monthly poker games just aren’t the same without him.’ 

‘You know, Bond’s antics are far more amusing when you’re so far removed from them,’ John observed through snorts of laughter. Q was sorely tempted to hang up on the bastard. 

‘Bond, you can’t know that,’ he protested. 

‘Can’t know what?’ There was a smile dancing around Bond’s mouth that suggested that he was greatly enjoying winding Q up. It was in no way endearing, just completely infuriating. 

‘ _That_. You can’t know that. _How_ do you know that? It should be impossible for you to find out.’ 

But then, Q had heard the stories. From his own cousin. How Bond had broken into the previous M’s residence. Twice. Hacked her system and discovered her log-in details, using them when he wanted. Perhaps he shouldn’t be so surprised that Bond had dug up some information on him. After all, who knew what bored double-0 agents got up to in their spare time. 

‘Oh, relax, will you,’ Bond said, waving away Q’s concern as he collapsed gracefully into the chair not stacked high with laptops, files and books. He appeared more relaxed, open even, that usual. Q was immediately suspicious. ‘I found out about you when I read Villiers’ file years ago. They didn’t know you were to be hidden back then so nothing was blacked out. Very illuminating.’

‘Does this mean he’s read your school reports?’ John asked, gleefully. 

‘I’m hanging up now,’ Q told John. ‘I’m crossing you off my Christmas card list.’

‘Oh, don’t be like that.’ 

‘You’re a terrible cousin and I can’t believe I called you for…that I called you.’ 

The slight rise of an eyebrow showed that Bond had obviously registered the way Q stumbled over the end of the sentence but he didn’t say anything so Q mentally crossed his fingers in the vain hope that he wouldn’t be interested in whatever had been about to be said. 

‘Well, if you ever want that advice, you know where I am.’ 

‘I’m not talking to you until at least Christmas,’ Q informed him. 

Laughing, John hung up, his final words an instruction to pass on his best wishes to Bond. 

‘I think that’s the nicest thing Villiers has ever said to me.’ 

‘He’s probably already regretting it,’ Q muttered. ‘Why are you here, 007? Aren’t you off active duty for the next three days?’ 

‘Theoretically.’ 

‘I don’t even want to know what that means.’

‘Are you working on anything?’

Q raised an eyebrow because for Bond that very nearly constituted small talk. Bond hated small talk. It sounded like he was having teeth pulled every time he had to think up inane things to say to marks or potential targets. That wasn’t to say that he wasn’t good at it; he obviously was. Q could just tell that he hated it. 

‘Nothing at this precise moment.’ 

‘So why the late hour?’

‘Waiting for John to catch up, time wise, so we could talk.’ He was fairly certain that telling Bond that wouldn’t compromise him in any way. 

‘Do you use MI6 channels to talk to him often?’ 

‘Sometimes we talk about work. It seemed careless to not use a secure line.’ He narrowed his eyes as Bond nodded thoughtfully. ‘Why?’ 

‘No reason.’

‘007?’ 

Bond shot him what was no doubt supposed to be a reassuring smile. Predictably it had the opposite effect. 

Q bent down and grabbed his bag. He needed to not be here. ‘I’m leaving. Go and cogitate somewhere else.’ 

Bond stood with him. ‘I’ll walk you out.’ 

‘It’s really not necessary.’ He pulled his bag strap over his head, untwisting it before setting it on his shoulder. ‘I’ve worked here long enough to know the way. Longer than you,’ he said pointedly. When he looked back up, Bond was watching him. 

‘Only by about three days.’

‘I spend all my time down here while you’re off gallivanting around the world.’

‘I’d hardly call it gallivanting, Q,’ Bond said, reproachfully. 

‘I still know this maze of a place better than you.’ 

Pushing open the door and letting Q walk past him, Bond shrugged. ‘Would you care to put a wager on that?’ 

‘Gamble? With you?’ 

Bond raised an eyebrow. 

Q snorted. ‘Not a chance in hell. I know all about your reputation. Only an idiot bets against you.’ 

‘I bet I can change your mind before we hit the main entrance.’ 

Locking his office door behind him, Q groaned. It was going to be the longest twelve minutes of him life.


End file.
